Spasms of free thought: June 2017

Drabble series: 11/30/2015

Oct 29th 2015-

I was supposed to blog today. I am doing so now.

Ok. Actually it's a Friday morning blog and I will likely still do a Friday blog but anywho.

I feel very hollow at times. I have no friends. Not in the sense that I'm unimportant or unattached. But I feel strangely selfish. Karol sent me a postcard though. And she's the only one.

No one else did.

See this train of thought is stupid. Next I appreciate my friends for their emotional support and comfort and their friendship. It's not in material things that will disappear but in the affection and time you care and show. And I've been shown that. And I value that. I value my strong emotional ties with the people I met.

We don't walk and talk all day, but that doesn't mean we're not talking or we're not thinking about each other. Though I think that I'm bad at keeping people in my life. I only want them when it suits me. But then is it strangely how that works? Your friends are your source of selfishness of desire, of being recognized and acknowledged.

Alone is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel it. But it just might be my thoughts not doing what I want.

Sometimes I don't know what I want. And I don't feel ok with that. Like yesterday, at work. Had I left early, I would've lost hours in the few that I had. And the store would've been a cashier less. Sure it slowed down but then its stiff these days.

I'm straight. I love dick. Yum yum yum. Blowjobs are amazing and I want them all the time. Like this blows. And all the sexual euphemisms are just amazeballs.

Honestly I'm disgusted by dick. Like the hypersexualization of the penis makes me sick.

I want more queer stories. Like, more sweet romantic first times. More hardy party fun times. More drama to break the prescribed gender binary and the definition of what female and male means.

Like, gosh. I guess I want my stories told. Because most of mine were pretty cool over all. You had drama, romance, friendships, break-ups, crying, all the works.

I also just want an easy life. God franf me the easy life and grant me a husband and child.

And then I think. Not really. That could be a play.

And then there's me. I'm not making life easy for myself.

I also want to go on a date. Like a cute romantic date. And then I think of the actual reality.

I can't act.

I get nervous. I had a breakdown. When I can't get through something, I try to get out of it. Awkwardly I might add.

But I'll be ok. I'm pretty sure I'm getting there.

I think I was sad today because I didn't get to blog. I distracted myself. And I want to be at my fullest. And I don't want change. I want fun and work.

At least in media, when there's a conflict, you will not be butting heads often. But at smashburger, Ricky is always there.

Ready to press buttons.

Like, character-wise, he's a great antagonist. Charming, biting, nitpicky and selectively intimidated. He's an asshole and isn't even polite. Not after a time.

Like sabotage is his thing.

He's the power-hungry and friendly one to those he likes. So basically he taunts and apologizes to get you to shut up. He doesn't mean it. He's dismissive and abrasive.

If he was a video game villain, he would so much fun to beat.

Last thought: Saturday! editing! Oh my gosh! I am annoyed. At being bad. So I need to refresh my memory tomorrow! Be ready! Phillipians 4:13!

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/28/2015

Again with an idea. The construction of beauty through 3 individuals; the beauty in question, coming into her own, the best friend intimidated by the beauty's newfound attentions while trying to find her own sense of beauty and the poor young man bombarded with his own infatuation with the beauty.

The two girls are in like. The boy will be ok.

All this because of a midriff. My midriff. And blasted teenagers. The web series. The performance of feminine sexyness. And the passivity of men's courtships and rituals.

Men have to court. Women have to prepare themselves. Grooming is mutually essential for a good cover.

But at the same time, women don't have to do anything. They will be objectified.

Men don't have to do anything either though. They will excused for anything.

Two different extremes. Fascinating in theory yet infuriating in practice because it's imbalanced.

Last thoughts: Work. You betta work. Work. Like blah. Build good habits.

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/27/2015

Oct 27th 2015-

Ok. Okayyy! It's been hard to vlog. And then you can think about it and be like, well, you have to be by yourself to do it. Though that isn't true, it is your personal private time you get to share. And you tend to forget that.

I had a silent vlog yesterday for laughs and I think I should just make another one today. It does go to the realm of doing things that are done without value, but no. That's not what this is. Don't fall into that trap. This is an exercise. One vlog, one drabble everyday.

And on that subject...I think I forgot how to write. Other than these forms of confessionals, which is more likely word vomit, any other sort of form is actually escaping me. Or rather, I think it is. Or I am not willing to try and improve. Because my first time will be a bad try. But that's not fair to the story. How are you supposed to get it done if you don't do it at all?

And of course you know this. And I think the TV is actually a distracting thing. How many shows do you really watch? And again, you can watch them online. Someone, somewhere will find a way to access it for free.

That reminds me; it would be amazing if there was a USB key that could help you free up free space on your PVR. So you can access your recordings anywhere. And it gets saved on your device and your computer so there's more space for more recordings.

That way I can watch Columbo, Supergirl and anything else anytime. I mean with the internet I can do that too but you can't always be online.

Which reminds me, is there Pocket for Firefox mobile? If so that would be amazing! Since it works offline as well!

Sigh. It bothers me greatly that I've been....in heat, so to speak. I mean, I will not show this to anyone at all, so really I should be able to say that well...I am horny. Horny horny.

That is a funny word the more you say it. And it sounds like an ass's laugh.

Oi. Fuck me. Like. Really. Eat me out. I want her face is my cunt, you have no idea.

Last thoughts are less than pure let's just say that. Tee hee.

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/21/2015

Oct 21st 2015-

Yesterday's drabble was short. And I was pissed. Not happy. And that was yesterday. After not having food. Then thank the Lord we did have food. And Mom came home and didn't have time to stay at the airport.

Now it's the day after. We have eaten. Are eating. And I'm gonna vlog. And I like I'm getting better. And I'm gonna blog. And I have been getting behind on what I have to do. Which is a lot.

But I will get through it. I have lots of ideas. And I have to sort through them and workshop them. I miss sex.

Or do I? Ugh. I have this ache because I feel bad. And I don't want to go through the effort of the nagging. And dang it, this is a depressing one.

Why am I always so intense? It's exhausting. I think it's because I'm just in my own head. And I did realize a lot of things. Like I am a floating head with a blob for a body I tend to check up once in a blue moon. I don't know if I can feel my middle. Like my head.

And I always felt that way. Like a walking blobhead. Now however, I am a bit more aware of my body. My neck and stomach are my most prominent features on my body.

Basically my upper body is there, but my legs are just muscles to hold me up.

My toes are dirty. And my nails. Like, constantly. :(

I want this blobhead to feel more alive. More human. More intellectually abd physically. This is totally a writing prompt.

And music is fun. Like ugh. I don't want to think.

Final thoughts: Sex is fun. You are just sad and confused and in need of a body. And acceptance. And precedence. And romance. You are going well. What do I like about myself? My voice. It sounds pleasant.

My mouth. It's small and cute.

I like my strength. I like being strong and imposing. I want to protect. Shield and sword. Rawr.

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/20/2015

Oct 20th

Food is good. A bit miffed about Air Canada but it will be ok. It always is. I'm kinda tired of this being ok. I want my day to be fantastic.

I hate my mom going to work hungry while I eat.

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/19/2015

October 19th drabble

I'm hungry. Not only in a physical sense. But in a spiritual and emotional sense as well. I am hungry for connection and success and life. I want to live life and let the world know it every day.

I live for God. Jesus is my homeboy. He keeps me up. He keeps me alive. I can do anything through he who strengthens me. I have a dream. A dream that has been neglected for too long. I do and I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to eat peaches and strawberries. With some nuts and cheeses. I want to be healthy. I want to eat canteloupe. And I'm not a big fan for some reason. Grapefruit. Oh my godd. Grapefruit. Oranges. Peaches. Prunes. Potatoes. Carrots. Spinach. Goat cheese. Cheddar. Black bean pepper jack cheese. Grapes.

I want to film it all. I am tired of hiding. I have never thought about it but I want to film everything from now on. Document it. Edit it. I need to get better. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be my own business person.

Mom has been saying it and I have been doing it but now it needs to be out of the way. It needs to be done.

I need to promote myself. My scripts. My camera operation. My producing. I need to be active. I want to be active. I want to thrive, not just survive.

I just want a husband. And children. Like. I could choose passion over family; passion. Ok. Passion about family. At the same time I'm not there yet. I'm still growing. I haven't found a man to love yet. To have a family with. And who says you can't mix passion and family? That can be done. Have it all. Handsome, God-fearing, kind, good-natured, an inhuman being blessed by God.

Why is it that's how all the men I make up are? Like, sweet, gullible and soft? Basically Jack Mcbrayer.

I want to bike. I want to look good. I want to be good. I want to feel good. Yeah, I want to cook. I need to learn how.

Final thoughts: I will eating tomorrow. And I will be enjoying it. I will be filming tomorrow. I will be writing tomorrow. Oh yeah! I love love love Yulin Kuang, Shipwrecked Comedy, Couple-ish, and the new Transmedia wave that enables fan-creator relationships and dynamics. KitR was superb. I just. Yes to everything. Which reminds me to update on Wild Echoes.

And script. Love, life, loss. And Air Force One. And the Drifter. I think that will be enough on your personal projects.

Along with teaching yourself how to edit and practice. There is no deadline.

Be the person you know you can be. You are in good hands. You are in great hands.

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/15/2015

October 15th 2015-

Today's drabble. I had a good day at work. Guests like me. Of course I felt like going home every frickin minute. But then I finally did so and so I'm home at last.

And I wrote a bit more of my script today. Which is really act one of three and I'm barely done because I have to rewrite it. In fact, I want to have my projects immediately done. Guarantee. I don't want to stall anymore.

I know what's its like to stall. I don't like it. And I want to work on it. So many things I want to work on.

And I mean projects.

I want to work on being self-sufficient. Camera work, editing, producing and promoting. Which are all things needed to market good media.

I need my driver's, safety permit and my two courses. Then work my way up to the production office. Either that or join the writer's Guild while working in the DGC.

I need to beef up my skills with camera operation, at least basic editing, production, scriptwriting and promotion.

What else happened today? I felt like my prayers work. At work, I was at peace. Mostly. I was calm. Ok, I blabbed to Terri. And I know who I was with. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to keep vigilant with what I say. It'll get me in a tizzy and in a mood and I'm already sensitive. I don't like Rickey. At least Ken is consistent and he's formal so yeah you feel awkward and intimidated but he isn't weird about it. But Rickey is just an asshole. He's "nice" after he blows shit up. Actually he always rebukes me. He's frankly abrasive. Some of my thoughts on him were less than sane to be honest. It included castration and frustration. Ugh. It wasn't pretty. Like. What the Frick.

I'm sorry Rickey but you can go fuck yourself.

I also liked the guest's complimenting me. It's rather bittersweet because I don't like working there anymore. It's always the guests and the customer experience that makes you stay.

Although at the same time, you have those who are great and those who cut you off; and I'm repeating your order so you can get it right as you want. If I tell you what's on your burger, that's because I want to be sure if its what you want. And Mark was a butt today. Like I do notice that if I'm not in the mood to laugh with you, then I will shut you down.

No, I don't give much of a shit about people. Ugh. At least in film, you have one job. And you are needed. You are all part of a great whole. And most of the time, its static and dynamic at once. You often have to wait in one place for one scene and amazingly, its a millisecond of a scene.

A whole day is barely frames.

Last thought: keep on keeping on. Calgary Inferno! I would love to watch the game. I am actually excited about the game. And I want to work on set. And darn it, drive. And travel. And kiss. And I want to party but if I can actually celebrate something. These days I would rather be on set. Or working. Like actively. And I want to be disciplined. Like. In all the things.

I want to release a short every 6 months! I want to blow up my Instagram! I want to have my own viewing party! Like I want my life to be in complete videos!

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/14/2015

Wednesday October 14th 2015

Knowing me knowing you, there is nothing we can do...

It's so melodic. And fun. And guitars. And insert sounds here. Fascinating really. And depressing. And airgh. All the things. I'm afraid of effort. I think. Actually, no. My biggest fear has always been with waking up next to a man. Or rather, waking up and realizing that I should be with a man. Like, I remember that was a vague eA reoccurring nightmare of sorts. And I don't remember why. Was it because my base impulses were heterosexual at its core? Was it God tuning into my deepest darkest desires?

Actually, I guess my most obvious one is making love to a woman and having her come all over my face. Fuck that's hot. And intimate.

The idea of a blowjob disgusts me. But not gonna lie, slightly intrigues. I have to admit that I don't like men. Not sexually. And I don't want a man's attentions. I won't feel I'm enough to give it back to him.

But with God, all things are possible.

Or was it me? Afraid of the outcome of my devious homosexual lifestyle. That quite frankly I am romanticizing. Because at the end of the day, all romance doesn't erase the fear of telling your mother something you're not quite sure of. And love is something I'm not sure I know. Love is socially constructed.

I'm afraid of having my heart broken at the core. I think that something I acknowledge I'm aware of that fear. So put the effort in God. And he will bring someone into your life. That's the answer.

It can't be a woman. You can't have children with a woman. But with a man, you can have happiness and prosperity, with children and companionship. And best of all, you will feel good in your heart.

You will be in a good place.

I also don't want to end up hitting my head on the same rock forever. I want to be stable and active and work. Be productive, be happy and be healthy.

And with film and Media, I'm not ashamed in admitting that I want the glory, I want the fame. I want kids to be telling my name. I want the power of influence and people crying over my fiction. That's power and influence. I couldn't care less about stars. Because it's power is really behind the scenes. It's how your build them, how you brand them. How you portray yourself.

Sharon Belle. I had a dream I kissed Sharon Belle. And fuck, it was slow at first but then I swear, her tongue was in and I was like "Danny", which is terrible at the same time because is it like do I like you Sharon or who you portray and obviously I like her because have you seen her face and her mannerisms.

But damn it, I would not say no to a night with Annie Briggs.

And Sophia Walker is my Menace. My Black Cat.

I have so many thoughts. Oi. I want Love, Life, loss to be a thing. Like a film. Or a pilot. Preferably a film though.

Brandon is a douchebag but you feel for him. Edie is at her happiest and at her scariest. Gywneth is down in the dumps and she is scared adn hurt. Mostly hurt. And perceptive. And she and Brandon are fuck buddies after the script.

Ashton is a douchebag too. But a sly douchebag. His brother's broody. He is plotty and sweet and assholish.

Gillian is a light of sunshine, especially when shit gets tough.

Nathan is a poor, growing boy who doesn't know how to express himself.

These are all awkward young people trying to make something of themselves and the world is throwing them bones. And rocks. And storms.

Final thoughts:

Love. Life. Loss. Could be a thing. It could be turned into another thing. But just keep at it. Keep at it. Don't quit. Don't stop. Baby don't stop. The B-52 had a great song. Love shack.

Also, Gay. Queer. Fluid-ish. No label. May-homo? Queermo. Wanna get to heaven though. Naked women are beautiful. Then again I'm just narcisstic maybe. Probably.

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Drabble series: 11/13/2015

Oct 13th 2015

"Why am I quiet again? Am I really quiet? No no. I want to stop myself from screaming and biting someone's head off. Also my period is starting so it kinda makes sense. And ok xar, that's a good word. I shall keep if.

And these are my words. I am pissed off that Toniann is being ousted so shittily. I want God to strike Ken down. But then again, that's not how that worksm. He will avenger her wrong and give her something better. He will give me something better. I want an office job.

Or actually, I want to work on set. I want to be in a thriving environment where I get feedback and learn. I want to play badminton. I want to try MMA. Just to get over all the sexual innuendo out of the game. Because I swear Teppuu is just one big sexpost fest disguised as fighting.

I have 6 minutes. And counting.

Last thoughts: Oi. Keep writing. Done stop. Don't be afraid. God has not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but of love, power and a sound mind.

You are beautiful. And awesome. And you will thrive. You are ok. You will be a better place. Learn to be better. Accept critique. Learn and evolve."

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Labels: blogging, non-fiction, spasms of free thought

Wayback Wednesday: Drabbles and Vloggles of Years Past

Masterpost here

Hi everyone,

It's been even a longer while then thought.

I've been...busy. Doing. Working. Living.

And my life has gotten me all the way back to Montreal.

So to celebrate that and see how far I've been able to collect my thoughts in the last couple of years, let me post my drabbles.

When I was in Calgary and then went back to Vancouver briefly, I tried to create my best sense of consistency. I felt for the longest time that I hadn't done nor created something concretely.

So I forced myself for a time for a little bit every day to film a thought. To write a thought.

What came out of them were these.

Below you'll see what I was able to save. And I mention save because I had TRIED to recover them from my phone and was able to get a bit, but there was quite a lot lost due to my carelessness.

But still, from October 2015 to about October 2016, I was creative. To a certain degree. Or at the very least expressive. These are my most private thoughts and names and feelings will not be omittted.

These were my headspace and thoughts once upon a time. And I'm fond of looking back and seeking what I felt, what I did and who exactly I wanted to be at that point.

As I'm writing this, I'm still trying to figure that out. Mold myself, shape myself, create something out of this robot.

If you ever stumble upon this though and ask yourself questions, remember at least this;

You are good. You are great. You are ok. You will be good. You will be great. You will be ok.

I also apologize for the long-term ghosting.

I'll come out from the shadows soon.

But I do occasionally try to light up on the Instagram here: My Insta Sista

This will be added onto the masterlist of course and this will be archived.

Catch you all on the Flipside for now.

Suzanne

Drabbles: